Death of A Dream

I vividly remember the day my pregnancy test strip turned positive. I fumed and cried angry tears. My inner being furiously fought, screaming for freedom, “I don’t want another baby!”  

My kids, (then one teenager, a twelve, ten, and eight-year-old), no longer depended upon me every minute of the day. I enjoyed their independence, playing with friends, and attending school. Each one was assuming more responsibilities. I had begun to dream of more “me time” to create, to read, and nurture my talents. Those dreams exhilarated me!

 The death of my dreams and desires hit suddenly and swiftly! I was pregnant and pushing 40. I felt like a wild canary being forced in a cage.  Fears, nibbling at my faith, fueled panic attacks.  

What if I don’t have a “healthy” baby? How will we pay hospital and doctor bills? (We had dropped our maternity insurance.) Angry thoughts of having “to start over again” consumed me. Giving in and entertaining the wiles of my assailant, I suffered miserably.

 Thinking and acting “responsibly”, I kept a tight grip on my desires. My dreams and everything else in life would be safer in my hands instead of God’s!

I resisted God’s will, but His presence never left me.  Full of compassion and tender in mercies, the Lord watched…waiting for me to let go.

After several weeks of sporadic panic attacks, I shrank to my knees. Now, looking back, I’m certain grace led me to that place.

 This time, I prayed. Not self-pity prayers, not angry prayers. I prayed desperate prayers from the depth of my heart. I surrendered my future, my fears, my dreams, and every part of me to God. I cast aside every thought and consideration for myself. God’s will, rather than reasoning, won.

At that moment of trust and surrender, God’s glory and power filled me. Letting go, I finally found peace.

I’m convinced my direct lifeline to God is trust and surrender. Like strands of a rope, they are inseparable. Trust and surrender yield to doing anything, going anywhere, saying “yes” to God always. Often, not knowing what He’s going to do.

God reveals who He is. Why should we not believe He knows what He is doing?

 Are you keeping a tight hold on your desires, dreams and everything else in life? Are you facing the question of whether or not to trust and surrender? Let me encourage you to let go of all that you have and all that you are to Him. Trust and surrender is a direct spiritual lifeline to God. It’s for anyone needing peace and joy.